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And they would talk a lot, particularly about They would talk about training themselves not to feel or training themselves not to cry. And it wasn't just a homophobic slur. Orenstein notes that society doesn't often give boys "permission or space" to discuss their interior lives. And that's ultimately what one is aiming for in this whole discussion of consent — to make sex a conversation that people can have not just for the legality of it, but so that it will be a more mutually gratifying experience for everybody involved.

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Eliana. Age: 27.
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One interviewee confided that he preferred to partner with girls for school projects because, "It was OK to say you didn't know what you were doing with a girl, and you couldn't do that with a guy.

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Liliana. Age: 31.
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And it had become basically a slur on masculinity, not so much a statement of sexual orientation. But what they would say to me — this is straight boys talking — is that they would never say that to a gay person. They would talk about training themselves not to feel or training themselves not to cry. And then that can actually trigger a kind of anxiety and fear of missing out, or expectation of what you are supposed to be doing, that can make you engage in sex that maybe you don't want to have, or push harder than you might otherwise push.

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